Why is it… March 22, 2008
… That all photos of meetings have smiling people?
As one of the final steps for putting together my Stress Reduction Book, I went searching through istockphoto.com for some pictures.
One of the pictures I’m after is a meeting in progress. Every single picture is of happy smiling people having fun. No one is bored, no one is looking at their watch or staring out the window. The only exception are are a few notable, obviously joke photos. Now I’ll admit I’ve been in a few enjoyable meetings, but they are very rare.
So why are all the photos trying to depict something that goes against almost everyone’s ideas of a meeting?
Technorati Tags: Business, CEO, Change, Decisions, Leadership, Meetings, Psychology, Stress
How do you make decisions? March 18, 2008
If you are like most people, you don’t know the process you go through to make a decision. It happens quickly, naturally, and without our awareness.
The easiest ways to discover how you make a decision, is to take 4 of your friends out to dinner.
When you are handed a menu, place it closed in front of you and watch your friends. Notice how one might ask what someone else is going to have. Notice another might read through every item. Another might glance at the menu and close it. The fourth will do something different.
Once they have made their choice, pick on one of your friends with these questions. (I’ll leave the decision of which one to pick up to you, but if you’ve worked with me before, you’ll know my selection criteria).
“What have you chosen?” Listen closely to the answer. They will likely tell you everything about their decision process. Once they finish, ask:
“What made you choose that?” And again listen to their answer.
If you’re lucky, they’ll say something like “I looked through the menu till I found the dish I had before,” or “I opened the menu and picked the first thing I noticed.” If you’re unlucky, they’ll give you a long rambling story about their childhood. Both will tell you how they made that decision.
Now comes the real challenge. Pick up your menu and use their method to choose food for yourself. This doesn’t mean choose the same dish (although you might). If they choose something they have had before, then you do the same. If they choose the first thing they see, do the same.
Doing this can give you a powerful insight into your own decision method (and might have you eating something new - always a bonus!).
So after doing this, what does that get you?
- It gives you skills to notice someone else’s decision method. This in itself is useful for sales, negotiation, business or making your partner happy because if you know how someone makes a decision, simply give them the information they need to make the decision you want.
- You get insight into your own process. Even though you are only choosing what to eat, the chances are this is the same process you go through to pick a car, house, shoes or a pen.
- You now have another way to make a choice. Chances are you may not like this new method - thats ok, you don’t have to use it. You can keep it in your back pocket when you want a change, or are faced with a very difficult decision.
Notice how the people around you make decisions. Notice how you make your own decisions.
Technorati Tags: Business, CEO, Decisions, Group Dynamics, Learning, Management, Motivation, Negotiation, Persuasion, Psychology, Sales
The reason to control stress February 12, 2008
Stress may be triggered by external events such as having a short timeframe, being yelled at by a customer, or giving an important presentation. It is your interpretation of the event or situation that will ultimately cause you to feel the mental and physical stress or anxiety.
Now, not all stress is bad stress. Stress is a part of everyday life. In the right amount, stress helps you focus better and achieve what you want. Stress can help you be more alert, motivated, and gain a competitive edge. However, non-stop stress is debilitating and will interfere with performance. In the worst situations, it can even kill you!
Stress occurs as a response to an event that you view as threatening. Imagine driving your car at 200 KPH on a windy road. Under the right amount of stress, you switch on your full potential. Under too much stress you crack under the pressure.
The sooner you can recognize the signs stress, the faster you can react and keep in under control.
So, how do you know when you need to hit the kill switch on stress?
There are three main areas where changes can occur under stress: (1) Physical, (2) Mental or Emotional, and (3) Behavioral.
Physical changes when under stress may include dry mouth, tense muscles, pounding heart rate, cold or clammy hands, headache, sweating, and a feeling of butterflies in the stomach. You probably feel these to some extent if you have an important presentation. These are the signs that your body is ready for the challenge.
Mentally you feel stress when you begin to worry excessively about results, make poor decisions, have a limited attention span, make mental errors, and are forgetful.
Other behavior signs of stress include talking faster than normal, biting one’s nails, restlessness, hyperactivity, insomnia, distractibility, and trembling.
By themselves, these signs may not even slow you down. These signs can stay around, and compound. This starts a chronic stress situation, you will seem tired, restless, and feel out of control. If this continues, more problematic physical issues might start.
The important lesson is that you can learn when helpful stress turns into harmful stress and be able to cope effectively. Bring that harmful stress back under control and be able to perform at your best. The key for you is to be aware of these signs and make the adjustments needed when you feel anxiety, tension, or stress. You can learn the skills needed to keep the balance, relax when you want, and stop the overwhelming stress.
If you’d like to know more, you can join in the survey, and then read more about stress reduction methods.
Technorati Tags: Business, Change, Psychology, Stress
Stress migraine and how to survive it. January 21, 2008
This is the conversation I had with a client recently after he took two days off work.
Me: “So what caused you to take time off work?”
Him: “A massive migraine. I couldn’t think or move.”
Me: “Do you get migraines often?”
Him: “Not often. But it’s been a repeating cycle for the past 20 years or so.”
Me: “Repeating cycle?”
Him: “Yeah. I get over stressed and I get hit with a migraine.”
Me: “Good to know.”
He looks at me with an expression of “What the hell are you thinking?”
Me: “Think about it. You are very stressed and stress can kill. Your body knows this. Your body also knows a great way to alleviate this level of stress. You call it a migraine. You might not like it, but your body knows it works.”
Him: “I don’t understand what you mean.”
Me: “Think of this migraine as a message. A message that is impossible to ignore.”
Him: “Heh. It’d be better if I got a less painful message.”
Me: “Yeah it would be good if that happened. When was the very first hint that a migraine was coming?”
Him: “That morning, when someone handed me their resignation. I felt a twinge in my neck here.”
Me: “Good to know. What did you do when you noticed that twinge?”
Him: “I ignored it.”
Me: “Uh huh. Has there ever been a time when you felt the first hint of a migraine, but it didn’t happen?”
Him: “Yes.”
Me: “What did you do to stop it coming on?”
Him: “I immediately took that afternoon off and went to the beach.”
Me: “Great! Now there is nothing we can do with that last migraine, but we can ensure you don’t have another in future.”
Him: “How so?”
Me: “Quite simple. Next time you feel that first twinge, take time off.”
Him: “I might not be able to do that, there might be too much work on.”
Me: “Well then, you have to weigh up the options. An afternoon off and no migraine, or two days off with a migraine.”
Him: “Ah.”
Me: “See, you do get a less painful message before you get a migraine. In fact I’m sure you get other messages even before that twinge. It’s just that you ignore those ones too.”
Him: “So how do I know what those messages are?”
Me: “Think about all your other migraine events. What are the common feelings or sensations that occur before all of them? They might be an hour, a day, a week or even months in advance. These will be those whispered messages to listen for before your body starts yelling.”
Technorati Tags: Brain, Stress
How to get a meeting back on track December 17, 2007
If you have sat in more than two meetings, you’ve had the experience of someone or something that distracts the meeting off onto other areas.
Might be the game of golf, might be the failing company. Who knows.
If you want to bring it back to the agenda, there is a very simple and effective formula.
I Notice …, which Means …, Can we ….
First say, “I notice…”
Describe what you see. No evaluation, no demands, no anger. At it’s simplest it’s “I notice that we’ve moved off the agenda.”
Then say, “I’m concerned…”
State what this observation means to you, the team, the meeting, the general state of the environment. Again, the simple observation is “I’m concerned we won’t cover everything on the agenda.”
Finally, “Can we…”
State what you want to happen next. Most likely what happens next is to have that talk after the meeting. It might be to table that idea for another meeting. If you don’t know what the next step is, you can even ask the group what can be done.
Using this method will save time, effort and frustration. Not to mention ensure the meetings stay on time and on track.
Technorati Tags: Business, Communication, Group Dynamics, Leadership, Management, Meetings, Persuasion, Productivity
5 steps to becoming a manager or leader December 6, 2007
Leaders are born and made. Like any skill it takes time, effort and attention to improve.
The following 5 steps can be used to build not only your leadership (or parenting, or work, or employee, or management) skills, but also the coherence of your team, and those around you.
1. Make your clear goal and instructions.
Make your goals clear and give reasons. Once you’ve done this, ask for questions. You can find what I think are the questions to ask here. If you screw this step up (and many people do) it undermines your leadership and damages your teams ability to do their job.
2. Establish open communication.
This is commonly called the ‘open door policy’. Allow everyone to come to your with their problems. That doesn’t mean you fix the problem, just that you are at least aware and can act. Having open communication gives you direct feedback to ensure you don’t fall into one of the biggest risks of leadership.
3. Act quickly with problems.
This shows everyone how to deal with problems. Everyone in your team looks to the leaders how to act. If you float around, unable to make a decision, it will kill morale and confidence. The problems you avoid get bigger. You are a leader, and leaders solves problems and remove limits.
4. Insist the team report all the news.
Good and bad. If you get only good news, you are unable to fix the problems. If you get only problems, you also damage morale by not celebrating the wins. And the worst case is when you get no news.
5. Use crisis as a method to develop people.
If a crisis happens, don’t take the problem from the person. Help them solve it. Help them find the opportunity in crisis. Help them develop, design and implement good solutions. This helps you, as they are able to be comfortable and deal with bigger problems in the future, and also give them more confidence in you as a leader.
Through using these 5 points you are leading by example and doing what the very best leaders are renowned for; Developing the people around them.
Technorati Tags: Business, CEO, Communication, Leadership, Management, Team building
Ultimate question of team management November 13, 2007
If you are a leader, then this is the simplest question that will get you the best results to keep your teams working well together. Ask it, and your team will love you. Skip it and you might never know about how bad the team is.
Did you hire the right person?
In February 2007 a manager asked me for some advice. A few weeks prior he had hired a new person and thought they were a great fit into the office. Even though this new person was hired to take the pressure off, it didn’t seem to make any difference. The manager was asking me how he could update the procedures to make things work more efficiently. As usual, I asked him a question in response, “What do your team members say?”
“I don’t know,” He replied. “I’ve not asked them.”
I looked at him, he stared back. Then he got up and started asking people in the office. Five minutes later he returned with the answer. The new guy was just not working out.
Ask this question when you add a new person to your team. This question will quickly identify if the new person fits within the team, is disruptive, supportive, negative or positive for the team. The question will allow you to find out if you made the right decision in hiring the new person faster than any other method I know. Discover if they really can integrate into and improve the group dynamics.
Use it as a pressure gauge
Ask the question at least once a week as a gauge on how well the team is working together. Ask it of different people within the group - as each person will have a different answer. With each answer, you’ll be able to build a complete picture of the social dynamics within the team.
Build a complete picture of your Group Dynamics
It is a very simple question with many many answers. Each time you ask the question, the answers will be different. Ask it when the group is under pressure, ask it when they have free time. Ask when a new person joins the team or when someone leaves.
I know I’ve labored the point somewhat, but I don’t think I can express any better how important this question is to running an effective team. The question can be asked in any form, but the most common is:
“What do you think about [insert the name of another member of the team]?”
Encourage their self interest
Make it clear when you ask the question, that you want their personal opinion. Some will tell you that so-and-so is disruptive, argumentative and difficult to deal with. This information is pure gold! If everyone in the team says the same, you may well have a problem. If only one person says it, you have something different.
Ask them all!
In July of 2007 I had one manager almost destroy his team by asking this question only to one member. The team saw this, and reacted like most people - by ostracizing the ’snitch’. The team started having secret meetings and private email communications. Make sure you ask every member of the team, about every other member of the team. If you skip one, you run the risk of causing a similar situation.
Technorati Tags: Business, CEO, Change, Communication, Group Dynamics, Leadership, Management, Productivity, Team building
Do you Communicate with a mirror? 14 ways to see past the looking glass. October 8, 2007
People communicate every day with themselves. With their own beliefs, ideas, values, maps.
You might have had the experience of asking someone a simple and innocuous question and receiving an angry, unexpected or strange answer. Almost as if they are having a completely different conversation.
I remember one time when I was running late for a train. I asked the time from tall fellow that was standing on the platform. He didn’t give me the time, but instead angrily swore at me and then turned away.
Every day we face the challenge of overcoming our own perceptions and communicating directly with, rather than what we expect or imagine about the person in front of us. This can be hard at times, especially with the people we know well already.
Every human being is unique and special and interesting. Every human being has value (even that guy on the station). Some of the ways to help you break through your own perceptions:
- Look or listen for what has changed or different since last time you talked to the person. This might be noticing their clothing, or hair. Maybe they were recovering from the flu last time.
- It is your responsibility to make sure the other person understands what you mean to say. Assume that the meaning of your communication is the response you get. In other words, if someone acts offended to something you said, treat the situation as if you did offended them.
- Use active listening skills.
- Put down the paper, step away from your email or stop doing other things and give the other person your full attention.
- Match the other persons ‘energy’ or ‘vibe’. If they are happy, be happy. If they are excited, match their excitement. If they are unhappy, sympthasize.
- Apologise when you make mistakes.
- Accept their statements as true. Everyone has the right to their own feelings.
- Stop interrupting and allow them to finish what they mean to say.
- Use the methods for shutting off your own internal dialogue. Sometimes we are having a conversation in our own mind while waiting for the other person to stop speaking.
- Similar to #4, set aside your personal history. If you are having a bad day, accept your emotions and don’t allow them to affect the communication. That’s not to say you should ignore past experiences, or what you are feeling - by all means take these into account. Instead be aware of how these changes affect your communications now.
- Listen to other peoples opinion, but make up your own through direct experience.
- Examine the entire situation. This person is just one person within the whole world. Who are their friends, who are they connected to? What has been happening in their life?
- Imagine them wearing different clothes, or with a different haircut. As the saying goes, the clothes don’t make the man but they do change your attitudes to the man.
- Understand your position of power. What is your relationship to this person - boss, child, employee, friend etc? Different power roles naturally changes your perceptions of others. Being aware of this can help you understand both your own and the other persons behaviour.
What other methods to you use?
Technorati Tags: Business, Communication, Learning, Persuasion, Psychology
The worst position to be in is September 30, 2007
When you are making mistakes, and no body is pointing these mistakes out to you.
What this really means that the people around you have given up on you. They might have tried to point out mistakes in the past, but have learnt that it makes no difference. So they keep these thoughts to themselves.
If you can’t accept or don’t get feedback, then it’ll be just like not watering your household plants. You’ll live for a time but eventually you’ll wither and die.
Technorati Tags: CEO, Change, Communication, Leadership, Management
Ways to boost your confidence August 13, 2007
The words you use might be wimp, spineless, shy or fearful. Other people always seem to be able to tell that you are lacking in confidence and walk all over you, take advantage or just ignore you. And it feels like, after each individual event they build together to make a huge barrier to your success.
This vicious cycle goes on. You try something, forcing yourself past the wall of past failures, but fail and get humiliated, so it makes it harder to try again. Because you don’t try next time, the wall becomes higher and thicker and more difficult to overcome.
Some helpful people might just tell you to “Stop being a wimp and get over it”. As if it’s easy to entirely change who you are. That’s what it feels like; that you’d have to change everything about yourself in order to feel like tackling the world’s challenges.
Confidence, like everything else in life, is a skill that needs to be practiced. When you lose confidence it can genuinely feel awful, and for many people might feel like there is nothing you can do to change it. It’s a common statement, “I just don’t have the confidence to do that.” As though we can walk into a shop and buy a kilo of confidence.
Everyone has times when we feel we can do anything, conquer any fear, take on any project, deal with any problem. The skill of confidence comes in when the situation start to become difficult. Thats when our confidence can start to be eroded.
Confidence may take a while to build, and it can be undermined or lost in a second. All it takes is for something to remind us of that wall and we feel wrong-footed, embarrassed or demoralized. It might be something that reminds us of a past failure or previous time we lost confidence. Think back in your own history, is there a certain situation that you always lack confidence in? It often only takes one episode where you feel humiliated or weren’t sure what to do next, and suddenly your confidence is shattered in that event and possibly future ones as well.
Evaluate what trips you up and what doesn’t
There will be some situations that undermine your confidence and some that boost your confidence. Take a piece of paper and divide the page in two. On the right side make a list of the times and places where you know you feel more confident. You might want to start with listing things you do well. If you know you’re a good listener, for example, you probably feel relatively confident when you take on the listening role.
On the other side of the paper make a list of the times and places where you don’t feel confident. Meeting new people, confrontations, giving a presentation, making decisions, etc.
Now we combine the two sides to create a whole. Pick one or two parts on the right hand side of the paper that you could use to improve your confidence in situations on the left hand side. Let’s say you don’t feel very confident meeting new people, but you do feel confident as a good listener. Get a new page and write these two things on the same line. The left side is again “I’m not confident meeting new people.” and the right is “I’m a confident listener.” In between these two statements combine them into one sentence using the word ‘but’. Now read that whole new sentence aloud. Writing it like this and then reading it changes your experience and understanding. Many people have said this alone is enough to fill them with confidence.
Given that above example, people love to talk about themselves, so you only need to get them started (and every good listener knows how to ask good questions) and they’ll be off. Then you can listen to your heart’s content because you know you’re good at it. This then in turn increases your confidence of situations that previously sapped your confidence.
There will be many other possible times and places where you can borrow one skill to help you overcome a deficit in another. Even combining two or three to become a whole lot more confident much more quickly than you think possible.
Repetition is the mother of skill
If you put yourself into those times and places where you naturally have confidence more often, you will increase your experience and bolster your confidence, not just in these situations but also into the rest of your life. If you’re good at riding a bike, go on more bike rides.
Confidence is just like a muscle. You have to use it to develop it. Unlike a muscle however, you don’t have to spend any extra time lifting weights or going to the gym. You can build it throughout your daily activities by consciously focusing on improving your existing confidence.
If you do have a bad day, and your confidence has been undermined, focus your attention on the parts of your day where you did have confidence. Dwelling on the bad does not help. If you get stuck, use the above evaluation sheet to help focus on the good.
And there’s nothing wrong with every once in a while deliberately avoiding situations that do stop you. There’s nothing so confidence-undermining as consistently forcing yourself in situations where you know you’re vulnerable.
The Confidence Cycle
Losing confidence can be a vicious cycle. You lose a little bit of confidence, and then because of that you do something wrong which chips away another bit of confidence. This in turn causes another error and we are suddenly plummeting towards jagged rocks.
Of course, I’m being a little extreme here, it’s not always like that. In fact you can reverse this cycle so that anything that happens can make you even more confident. Everyone has some areas of their life where they’re really confident, or at least confident enough. This is when those lists of qualities and skills come in when we look at the Confidence Cycle.
This is how it works: when you are confident, you try new things, and the more you try the better you get. Like public speaking, for instance. Any good presenter will tell you that the more they get out there in front of an audience, the more confident they feel about handling whatever happens. NOT that they feel less nervous (some people, no matter how practised they are, never learn how to be calm on stage), just that they know what to expect and also feel able to deal with the unexpected. If they get unbalanced they have enough experience to get themselves upright again.
But without confidence you won’t try new things. Where do you begin?
The one and only place you can begin is to practise. Practice for success. That means to practice just above your current level so that even if you make mistakes you are successful overall. This might mean you practice where no one will necessarily notice or where you are not in the spotlight.
For example, if you feel you have zero confidence speaking in front of a group, don’t start practising in front of a group. All you are doing in practicing zero confidence. Practice in front of the mirror first. Then practice in front of a trusted friend. Do this until you can do it with confidence. It might feel false and embarrassing, but practising with an audience of one friend is very different than going into the lion’s den of an audience of strangers.
Proper Preparation Prevents Poor Performance
Alongside practise goes preparation. Whatever the situation is you can prepare for all manner of eventualities. For example, one of the training drills I give to everyone that I train in public speaking is to give a 5 minute talk. During that 5 minute talk they are to make at least 3 obvious ‘errors’. These errors might be dropping a whiteboard marker, tripping, forgetting a major point of their talk, or anything else. This gives them the ability and experience of dealing with something going wrong. Before something like that would undermine their confidence and set them up for more errors. Now it builds their confidence because they have direct experience of dealing effectively with these errors.
Whatever you choose, remember to practice for success. Doing something correctly once is much better than doing something one hundred times wrong.
If you found this article useful you might also like to read how to build self-confidence.
Technorati Tags: Business, Change, Learning, Motivation, Psychology, Self-Confidence, Stress
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